My best friend is due home in less than an hour. I really look forward to his weekends home. They seem like the only time I ever really feel supported. The rest of the time, I have to be strong for Xander's sake, but when M. is home, I can relax a bit and let him take over. It helps me, but it makes me worry about the effect it has on him. He never complains, however. He's my rock. I don't know - and don't want to think about - what I'd do without him. It's not the financial support, although that is such a big help. It's the emotional support. He doesn't look down on me for being 'crazy'. He doesn't think any less of me for not being as strong as I think I should be.

Having said all that, I have to admit that being with him hurts me, too. Knowing that I'm not who he wants to spend the rest of his life with is very painful. I constantly wonder what's wrong with me that he doesn't love me the way that I love him. I often cry myself to sleep over it. It's a trade off, I suppose. Frankly, I have no idea what the future holds for us, and I'm just taking things one day at a time.