I finally managed to drag myself into the shower yesterday (I can and often do go up to two weeks between showers because I am so exhausted), and Xander decided to rearrange some things in my bedroom to make things easier for me. Unfortunately, one of the things he changed was the location of my meds. That's one thing I have found about Bi-Polar. I need my routine. I need my meds in the same place every afternoon and evening. Otherwise, I forget to take them. Which is what happened last night.

Last night was Hell Night. I was alternately sweating and freezing, unable to sleep, and aching all over. I thought I was coming down with something until I discovered the pill organiser still had last night's pills in it. What are they pumping into me that makes me go into withdrawal so quickly? I've never liked taking medication, but I do it in order to survive. But last night really has me wondering just what I am putting into my body, and is it actually doing me good? Ok, I know that I need my anti-depressants. I cannot function without them. But the Lithium? The Geodon? Wellbutrin? I'm an atypical Bi-Polar. My mania isn't the bouncing-off-the-walls-doing-twenty-things-at-once type. I become snappish and grouchy. It's like bad PMS. The thing is, when I realise it's happening (and it's still happening, even with the Lithium. Make no mistake about it.), I can take a few deep breaths and remind myself that it's not Xander's fault. Everyone else gets it full bore, but not Xander.

Am I just fooling myself about going off my meds? Yes, probably. But I can dream.