It's been a while, hasn't it? I just had a look at my last couple blog posts. Things have changed since then. My parents moved to Kentucky, so I had no way to get to the hospital in Preston County for appointments. I gave up on getting the surgery, but kept seeing my PCP for the entire 12 months of supervised weigh ins. I don't know why. A couple months ago, I got a call from Dr. Akkary's office, saying they were going through old files, and getting rid of those belonging to people no longer interested in WLS. Was I still interested? I told them I was, but that I couldn't get to their office anymore. The receptionist told me they had moved to an office in Morgantown. Yes, I'm still interested! I saw Dr. Akkary a week ago. Since I did the full 12 months of supervised weight loss, and had no trouble with the endoscopy, I don't have to redo either. That means we are looking at a surgery date as early as next month, although January seems likelier. I had my heart eval yesterday. They found something on the ECG, so I have to go for a PET scan in a couple weeks. Me, worried? Hell yes!

I was supposed to have my appointment with Pulmonary later today, but something came up with my parents, and they can't take me. I rely on them so much to get me places, since M can't during the week. I really wish I had the money to be able to afford a car and all the resulting bills they cause. I don't like inconveniencing people, and travelling an hour to the hospital to see my surgeon and have all the tests I need is an inconvenience for them. Thank goodness my psych exam (Monday morning) and my sleep study (a week from Sunday) are here in Morgantown. M has promised to take me to the sleep study, since I have to be there at 8 PM. They better have good sleeping pills, because I never go to bed that early. I've been reading the ObesityHelp.com RNY forums all night. I'm trying to find out what vitamins I need to take, how much to take, and when to take them. It gets complicated because there are certain vits and minerals you can't take together because they block the absorption of the other. I've also been reading up on dumping. Now, only 30% of RNYers dump, but I have bad luck, so I figure I'd better plan for it to happen to me, and know the symptoms. Then there is the fun of getting a bite of food caught in your pouch and needing to hork tit back up (yum!). Part of me wonders if I really need to go the surgical route. I'm losing well on 1600 calories, after all. But I've lost weight before and it not only came back, it brought friends along with it. It's nerves making me question my decision. It's a great big life altering step. And it's not a wonder cure. But if it helps keep me from regaining what I lose, I need it. My son needs me here, and I want to live to see him happily married and with kids of his own. So, in a years time, I hope to be having surgery. At first, I thought that it would be the start of a new life for me. But I've come to realise that I've already made a new start, just by deciding to have the surgery. I've already made changes, positive changes, and will continue to do so. It's all good. I had my second diabetes awareness class on Tuesday. My blood glucose levels have been very, very good, so I was told I only need to test three days a week. That frees me from needing to test on the weekends, when I am most likely out doing things with M. I've lost weight since my weigh in there two weeks ago. 8.9 lbs, gone. Yay! I hope never to see them again. That means I've lost 20 lbs since mid-August, when I began keeping a food log. Sticking to 1600 calories has been pretty easy for me, which has me a little worried that I might be slipping into my old anorexic habits. It's something to keep an eye on. Now, if only I could become addicted to exercise like I was then! My diabetic dietician gave me an exercise video called 'Walking Down Blood Sugar'. It's a 2 mile, half hour long walk. Let's see how long I make it before I have to quit. I'm averaging ten minutes right now. Note to self: exercise, dammit!

A new beginning

My Bipolar is under control now, and I feel I'm on a pretty even keel, all told. I'm having trouble sleeping, but there may be a physical reason for that. I'll be finding out next month.

I'm taking this blog in a new direction. I made a decision during the Summer, and I'm making changes in my life. I got a referral from my Primary care Physician (PCP) for bariatric surgery. I was scheduled to see the surgeon in September, but was told that my HMO didn't cover the surgery, so I had to change HMOs. That took effect at the beginning of the month, and I saw Dr. Akkary at Preston Memorial Hospital last week.

My HMO, apparently, doesn't know their ass from their elbow. Their website says one thing, and their reps say completely different things. It seems the surgery I wanted to have - the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) - isn't covered by them anymore. They may or may not require a supervised diet, as well. I'm seeing my PCP for the supervised diet, just in case, because if it is required, it's required for a year. I want it over as fast as possible. Dr. Akkary's office is treating my case as if a supervised diet isn't necessary, and is getting me in for all manner of testing. I had my cardiac evaluation today, and was told that in spite of it being broken several times, my heart is working just fine. I also had my prelimonary pulmonary eval. I got to blow into a big machine with a clip on my nose. It wasn't what I would consider fun.

I have a sleep study the night of 6th November. My doctor is pretty sure I have sleep apnea. We'll see. I had a sleep study done about 5-6 years ago, and nothing was found then. However, comorbidities are good, because they are what get you approved for surgery. and boy, do I have one. I was just diagnosed with diabetes.

I had to attend a diabetes education class last week. It went on for-fucking-ever. On the plus side, I got a free blood glucose monitor, so that's one less expense. And it's a pretty good one. It's a Freestyle Freedom Lite. It takes a tiny drop of blood to get a result, and it's virtually painless. So far, I haven't found testing onerous, and my blood sugar levels haven't been too bad. The diabetes isn't far advanced, and diet alone should be enough to handle it. Plus, the Roux en Y gastric bypass (RNY) can 'cure' diabetes, or at least put it into remission for a very long time.

I've only told three friends about this. This is my first time talking about it in public, but it's been a year since I last updated this blog, so I doubt anyone is following it anymore, anyway. Eh, we'll see.

I've entered my 40th year on this earth, and I'm ok with that. Life is going pretty well. So what if things aren't the way I imagined they would be now? I'm relatively healthy, have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a brilliant son who loves me, and I have M. Yeah, life is good.

I celebrated my birthday a week ago. Xander got me a Star Trek Enterprise webcam, and M. got me a Soda Stream. I used to have one while living in the UK, and I liked it. I like this one even better, because it has bigger bottles that make it easier to use. No making a dozen 16 oz. bottles a day. Now I can make 2-3 litres in the morning and have plenty to drink during the day. The diet red grapefruit and the diet root beer are really good. The cola zero is alright, but I find I don't like the diet cola as much as I used to. Even the Red Bull alternative is good. I'll be using M's gift everyday.

M took me, Xander and our friend Marc (whose birthday was a few days after mine) to Cheddar's for our birthday dinner. I've turned into such a carnivore.

I'm doing much better. I've only got one partner now, and I really like him. It feels like it might be going somewhere good. I'm not going to hold my breath, but it feels good, and I need that.

My therapist seems to have left the practice, so I am without a therapist. I really liked my T-doc, but she wasn't very good at keeping appointments. I wish she'd not left, though, because it means I'll have to train a new T-doc. I'll have to tell them everything that's happened, and I hate going over it all. It's not easy to talk about. At least my psychiatrist hasn't left.

Yesterday was Lammas. It's still Summer, and it's still hot, but there is a sense of Fall coming on. I didn't do anything special for it, which saddens me. How can I call myself a Pagan and Hedge Witch if I don't live my faith?

On the plus side, I've made a new friend. She's Pagan, too, and we really get along well. I think that's one of the reasons I am doing better.

Life is looking up. May it continue to do so!

Feathery Wings

You, there on the bridge
where have you been, whats your name?
and you, there you on the wall
where will you go to once you fall?
you, lost at sea
do you need me, do you need directions?
hey, put down the gun
what are you thinking?
you were someone's son

the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying

A long, long time ago I fell to this place
from another dimension
and thrust amongst the beasts
and they way they behave borders on dementia
now through all these years
I can barely take it
I don't think i can make it
take me away from here
I want to go home

I'm so sick and tired of the
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember?
was it all you wanted?

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
I wish I could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning
I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
It's me you leave behind

If only I could have been there
I'd be a hand for the sinking
if only I could have been there
I'd be a prayer for the dying
see the pain etched in my face

I'm so sick and tired of
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you're standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember was it all you wanted

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
I wish I could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
its me you leave
you're gone from here
don't leave from here
don't leave me here
I hate it here
you're gone from here
don't leave me here
I need you here
I need to see you smile

Voltaire
(The singer, not the French writer and philosopher)

I write like
Vladimir Nabokov

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!