Well, I've been back on my anti-depressants for two weeks now. I am feeling a little more energetic. I am still damned depressed. This is a problem. This is the really dangerous time with meds. When you are so low that you can't get out of bed in the morning (or afternoon) without the aid of a crane, you may think about killing yourself, but you really don't have the energy to do it. Once the meds start to kick in, and the energy comes back, suicide is more likely to occur. It isn't that the medicine somehow made the person more depressed, as some tried to claim in lawsuits in the 90s, it's that the energy makes the act possible.

Am I suicidal? Yes. Will I commit suicide? Not yet. I'm safe from myself until at least June or July. After that, it will be a case of finding another reason to live until Xander gets home in August. My hope is that by June, I won't be suicidal any more.

I feel worthless. I want to work, but I can't. I'm living off M, and I know he says he doesn't mind, "that's what friends do", but it bothers me. My electricity bill is behind. My cab;e bill is behind, and those are the only damn bills I have. I need to apply for SSI and Section 8, but I never seem to get around to doing it. I need someone to help me with it. Which makes me feel like a kid. I'm a grown woman, a mother, and I should be able to do these things myself, but I can't. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I can't seem to take care of myself, but I make damn sure that I take care of Xander. He's my world. He's really all I've got.

Poor, poor, pitiful me. Blah blah blah. Is that all I can write about?