I've been off my antidepressants for two weeks. I want to die. I'd be happy to settle for cutting myself, but Mike, thinking he was doing me a favour, stole my razorblades. That was no favour. Instead of using a clean razor blade to cut myself with, I'm probably going to use a steak knife. It won't be a clean cut, and I will have to use more pressure with a knife, so the chance of cutting deeper than I meant to will be pretty bad. I suppose I could burn myself, but I've never done that before, and it feels like something worsening.

I've been cutting back on visiting my favourite forums lately. I doubt anyone has even noticed, to be honest. What's the point? No one has any interest in what I think or say. No one cares if i live or die. Except for Xander. And I'm scared I will end up blaming him for me not killing myself. I have so many different pills here, it would be so easy, so simple, to just take them all and go to bed. No more pain. No more hating myself from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep. I have never hated anyone in my life. I may dislike them. I may not want anything to do with them, but I don't even hate my ex-husband, and he raped me. Let other men rape me. I should hate him, but i don't. Terrified of him, yes. The only person I have ever hated is myself. Maybe because I'm the only person I know who deserves it. I'm fat. No one as fat as me has the right to live. I just take up space other people could use. I'm ugly. I'm so ugly. Someone as ugly as mer has no right to oxygene,. No one is ever going to love me, to want me, to think I'm pretty or attractive. i dont deserve love, anyway. why the fuck would someone want me? im no good.
i have to get away. i have to escapr. but no matter where i go, ill still be me. ugly, fat, disgusting, stupid me. xander needs to go live with his father. hell be better off with his father and stepmother they can give him what i cant.and with xander away i can die.