orion's daughter

2011-10-28T04:02:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to have my appointment with Pulmonary later today, but something came up with my parents, and they can't take me. I rely on them so much to get me places, since M can't during the week. I really wish I had the money to be able to afford a car and all the resulting bills they cause. I don't like inconveniencing people, and travelling an hour to the hospital to see my surgeon and have all the tests I need is an inconvenience for them. Thank goodness my psych exam (Monday morning) and my sleep study (a week from Sunday) are here in Morgantown. M has promised to take me to the sleep study, since I have to be there at 8 PM. They better have good sleeping pills, because I never go to bed that early. I've been reading the ObesityHelp.com RNY forums all night. I'm trying to find out what vitamins I need to take, how much to take, and when to take them. It gets complicated because there are certain vits and minerals you can't take together because they block the absorption of the other. I've also been reading up on dumping. Now, only 30% of RNYers dump, but I have bad luck, so I figure I'd better plan for it to happen to me, and know the symptoms. Then there is the fun of getting a bite of food caught in your pouch and needing to hork tit back up (yum!). Part of me wonders if I really need to go the surgical route. I'm losing well on 1600 calories, after all. But I've lost weight before and it not only came back, it brought friends along with it. It's nerves making me question my decision. It's a great big life altering step. And it's not a wonder cure. But if it helps keep me from regaining what I lose, I need it. My son needs me here, and I want to live to see him happily married and with kids of his own. So, in a years time, I hope to be having surgery. At first, I thought that it would be the start of a new life for me. But I've come to realise that I've already made a new start, just by deciding to have the surgery. I've already made changes, positive changes, and will continue to do so. It's all good.I had my second diabetes awareness class on Tuesday. My blood glucose levels have been very, very good, so I was told I only need to test three days a week. That frees me from needing to test on the weekends, when I am most likely out doing things with M. I've lost weight since my weigh in there two weeks ago. 8.9 lbs, gone. Yay! I hope never to see them again. That means I've lost 20 lbs since mid-August, when I began keeping a food log. Sticking to 1600 calories has been pretty easy for me, which has me a little worried that I might be slipping into my old anorexic habits. It's something to keep an eye on. Now, if only I could become addicted to exercise like I was then! My diabetic dietician gave me an exercise video called 'Walking Down Blood Sugar'. It's a 2 mile, half hour long walk. Let's see how long I make it before I have to quit. I'm averaging ten minutes right now. Note to self: exercise, dammit!

A new beginning

2011-10-19T20:06:00.000-04:00

My Bipolar is under control now, and I feel I'm on a pretty even keel, all told. I'm having trouble sleeping, but there may be a physical reason for that. I'll be finding out next month.

I'm taking this blog in a new direction. I made a decision during the Summer, and I'm making changes in my life. I got a referral from my Primary care Physician (PCP) for bariatric surgery. I was scheduled to see the surgeon in September, but was told that my HMO didn't cover the surgery, so I had to change HMOs. That took effect at the beginning of the month, and I saw Dr. Akkary at Preston Memorial Hospital last week.

My HMO, apparently, doesn't know their ass from their elbow. Their website says one thing, and their reps say completely different things. It seems the surgery I wanted to have - the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) - isn't covered by them anymore. They may or may not require a supervised diet, as well. I'm seeing my PCP for the supervised diet, just in case, because if it is required, it's required for a year. I want it over as fast as possible. Dr. Akkary's office is treating my case as if a supervised diet isn't necessary, and is getting me in for all manner of testing. I had my cardiac evaluation today, and was told that in spite of it being broken several times, my heart is working just fine. I also had my prelimonary pulmonary eval. I got to blow into a big machine with a clip on my nose. It wasn't what I would consider fun.

I have a sleep study the night of 6th November. My doctor is pretty sure I have sleep apnea. We'll see. I had a sleep study done about 5-6 years ago, and nothing was found then. However, comorbidities are good, because they are what get you approved for surgery. and boy, do I have one. I was just diagnosed with diabetes.

I had to attend a diabetes education class last week. It went on for-fucking-ever. On the plus side, I got a free blood glucose monitor, so that's one less expense. And it's a pretty good one. It's a Freestyle Freedom Lite. It takes a tiny drop of blood to get a result, and it's virtually painless. So far, I haven't found testing onerous, and my blood sugar levels haven't been too bad. The diabetes isn't far advanced, and diet alone should be enough to handle it. Plus, the Roux en Y gastric bypass (RNY) can 'cure' diabetes, or at least put it into remission for a very long time.

I've only told three friends about this. This is my first time talking about it in public, but it's been a year since I last updated this blog, so I doubt anyone is following it anymore, anyway. Eh, we'll see.

2010-10-13T18:31:00.000-04:00

I've entered my 40th year on this earth, and I'm ok with that. Life is going pretty well. So what if things aren't the way I imagined they would be now? I'm relatively healthy, have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a brilliant son who loves me, and I have M. Yeah, life is good.

I celebrated my birthday a week ago. Xander got me a Star Trek Enterprise webcam, and M. got me a Soda Stream. I used to have one while living in the UK, and I liked it. I like this one even better, because it has bigger bottles that make it easier to use. No making a dozen 16 oz. bottles a day. Now I can make 2-3 litres in the morning and have plenty to drink during the day. The diet red grapefruit and the diet root beer are really good. The cola zero is alright, but I find I don't like the diet cola as much as I used to. Even the Red Bull alternative is good. I'll be using M's gift everyday.

M took me, Xander and our friend Marc (whose birthday was a few days after mine) to Cheddar's for our birthday dinner. I've turned into such a carnivore.

2010-08-02T13:51:00.000-04:00

I'm doing much better. I've only got one partner now, and I really like him. It feels like it might be going somewhere good. I'm not going to hold my breath, but it feels good, and I need that.

My therapist seems to have left the practice, so I am without a therapist. I really liked my T-doc, but she wasn't very good at keeping appointments. I wish she'd not left, though, because it means I'll have to train a new T-doc. I'll have to tell them everything that's happened, and I hate going over it all. It's not easy to talk about. At least my psychiatrist hasn't left.

Yesterday was Lammas. It's still Summer, and it's still hot, but there is a sense of Fall coming on. I didn't do anything special for it, which saddens me. How can I call myself a Pagan and Hedge Witch if I don't live my faith?

On the plus side, I've made a new friend. She's Pagan, too, and we really get along well. I think that's one of the reasons I am doing better.

Life is looking up. May it continue to do so!

Feathery Wings

2010-07-14T17:59:00.000-04:00

You, there on the bridge
where have you been, whats your name?
and you, there you on the wall
where will you go to once you fall?
you, lost at sea
do you need me, do you need directions?
hey, put down the gun
what are you thinking?
you were someone's son

the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying

A long, long time ago I fell to this place
from another dimension
and thrust amongst the beasts
and they way they behave borders on dementia
now through all these years
I can barely take it
I don't think i can make it
take me away from here
I want to go home

I'm so sick and tired of the
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember?
was it all you wanted?

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
I wish I could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning
I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
It's me you leave behind

If only I could have been there
I'd be a hand for the sinking
if only I could have been there
I'd be a prayer for the dying
see the pain etched in my face

I'm so sick and tired of
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you're standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember was it all you wanted

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
I wish I could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
its me you leave
you're gone from here
don't leave from here
don't leave me here
I hate it here
you're gone from here
don't leave me here
I need you here
I need to see you smile

Voltaire
(The singer, not the French writer and philosopher)

2010-07-13T18:45:00.002-04:00

I write like
Vladimir Nabokov

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

2010-05-10T03:18:00.000-04:00

I thought I was doing pretty well. I had shoved what happened to the back of my mind, padlocked it and thrown away the key. As if that actually works. Something brought it to mind last week, and I have been a wreck ever since. I did pretty good today, up until I put my hand in the pocket of the fleece I had grabbed this morning and found the policeman's business card. Officer Hoefler. He gave it to me the day he asked me to come in to tell him what happened. He told me that he'd tracked down the man, and he'd claimed it was entirely consensual. The fact that I totally froze may have saved me from more harm, but it meant that I couldn't say that I'd told him to stop, because I didn't. I froze, then I tried to get away, and I cried, but I never said no.

Officer Hoefler called on Thursday to tell me that I could come in and collect my computer and bedding that they had been holding as possible evidence. M. is home, and we'll be going to the station in the morning to get it. I'd burn the bedding if I could. I never want to see that comforter, pillows and sheets again. I can barely bring myself to sleep in my own bed.

The worst thing? I haven't stopped the behaviour that caused this in the first place. I feel like a whore anyway. I might as well act like one.

2010-03-30T01:19:00.000-04:00

I think I need to go in-patient. Otherwise, I'm going to do something bad. Worse. I started having sex with strange men a couple weeks ago, because if M. didn't want me, I thought there might be someone who did. It seemed perfect. I get love and companionship and everything I need from M. I get sex from someone else. But the man who just left... It's been ten minutes and I'm still bleeding. I tried to pull away from him, it hurt and I wanted him to stop but he didn't. Now i just want to die. I have no one to talk to about this. I can't report it because I invited him over, more or less. He invited himself over. I said not to come but he just had to.

I'm not good at saying no when it comes to sex. Not because I want it so much, but because saying no means they hurt you worse.

2010-02-22T02:30:00.000-05:00

I took 8 Klonopin and then cut myself last night. All the Klonopin did was make me sleep all night, and be very woozy today. The cutting didn't help much, either.

I asked M's mom if she could keep Xander for a few days if I end up in hospital. The psych ward. Oh joy of joys. I don't want to go back, but if I don't, I'll take more pills next time, and not wake up,. I can't do that. Xander needs me. I'm living in constant pain, though. Physically and emotionally, I hurt so much I can't take it.

I'm going to have a shower, then cut myself again. After that, I will crawl into bed and hope to sleep. Yeah, right. Sleep, only to have yet another nightmare about my ex-husband. Awake or asleep, there is no escape from the pain.

2010-02-17T04:44:00.000-05:00

I give up. I don't think I can do it anymore.

2009-12-30T10:51:00.001-05:00

I haven't been posting lately because things have pretty much been going well here. Yule was nice, and Christmas was great. I can't complain, so I won't.

2009-11-01T01:57:00.000-04:00

Xander keeps asking me when Mike and I are going to get married, and why we haven't already. I try to explain that Mike doesn't love me in that way, but he wants Mike to be his step-father, and will brook no denials. He's determined that Mike and I need to get married. How can I tell Xander that I would marry Mike in a heartbeat, if he would have me, but he doesn't want me. I want so very much to spend the rest of my life with Mike. I honestly think we would make it work.

Next month is the 8th anniversary of our first meeting. I've been in love with Mike longer than I was in love with my husband. Mostly because Mike would never, ever hurt me the way Joe did. He hurts me unintentionally, instead.

Halloween went well. No trick or treaters, but I dressed up just the same. I told Xander about Samhain, and we got out my runes for him to try. He seemed to like that, so I told him he could make his own set. I just need to find where on my harddrive I have the rune meanings sheet that I made a couple years ago.

In Memory

2009-09-09T18:54:00.002-04:00

In memory of Marion Weinstein, who has died.

Marion's Witchcraft Blessing:

The One Power that moves the Moon
Moves through you.
The Power that lights the Sun
Lights your life.
It is female and it is male,
It is clouds and rain,
It lives in the damp earth,
In root and in bud.
It moves the wind.
It is all life, born and unborn,
On this Plane and in the next,
Visible and Invisible,
In planet and star.
It is Infinite, It blesses and protects,
Heals and creates.
It moves backwards and forwards in Time,
Through all Space---
In this life, and in myriad others to come
And in the past as well.
This Power is yours,
As It is mine;
It is Goddess and It is God.
Use It, for the good of all,
And according to the free will of all,
With ease and with joy--
To bless your life.
And so mote it be.

2009-09-01T01:19:00.000-04:00

I got bored. I admit that. I got bored and changed the template on my blog, and wasn't able to sign in. For two weeks, I haven't been able to sign in, but tonight I was able to change my template, and here I am. Tada!

I received a telephone call from my son's principal today. Xander's been having meltdowns, and hasn't been telling me. According to him, everything has been going along great. The principal told me that Xander was crying, wailing, and hitting himself in the face. I hope the medicine he's on will start to work soon, and that it will help. I feel so helpless. He's crying out, but I don't know how to help him. What must it be like for him, slightly out of step with his peers, unable to really express himself, and finding the world to be a strange and scary place. No wonder he gets overwhelmed. I hated medicating him, but I know he needs it. So why do I feel so terrible? Will he thank me when he's older, or will he accuse me of making him a zombie?

2009-08-23T03:59:00.000-04:00

M. had a week and a half vacation, which was wonderful... and tiring. I have a routine, and having it changed isn't easy for me at the best of times, but I don't regret it. I had a great time, Xander had a great time, and I think M. did, as well.

I've been working on embroidering a t-shirt. I found a pattern online that I liked enough to buy, and now have a mostly finished Cthulhu on my shirt. I just need to find where I put my metallic red embroidery floss ao I can do his claws, eyes, and the heart in 'Cthulhu <3 you'. Unlike most of my recent craft projects, this one looks likely to get finished. Assuming I find my missing floss.

2009-07-11T09:37:00.000-04:00

I had a miserable night last night. Mike is home, and as we sat and watched videos, all I could think about was how no matter what, I will never be good enough for him. My heart hurt so badly that I had to hold my arms around my chest to keep it from breaking through. I wish I could kill my heart. Life without a heart must be so much easier.

Part of me wants to break away from Mike, but I can't. I'm financially tied to him. He pays my rent, buys the things I need (and don't need), and we have a joint account. It's as if we were married, or at least a couple. We either talk or text each other every day when he's on the road. When he's home, we're together every minute. Besides, Xander thinks of his as a second father. He's often told Mike he wishes Mike were his step-father.

This is one reason I want to go back to school. If I can get my degree and find a good job, I can be self sufficient and feels some pride in myself. It would put Mike and I on level footings.

2009-04-14T00:55:00.000-04:00

My doctor put me on Seroquel a few weeks ago. Yes, the EVIL Seroquel, that made me put on almost 75 pounds that I've never been able to lose since. I saw my doctor again on the 1st, and he increased my dose from 30mg to 300mg. I've been sleeping practically 18 hours a day since. Not fun, but it does make the days go by faster.

I found the lyrics of a song that really spoke to me. Here they are.

'I Dreamed a Dream'
From the musical Les Miserables.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life woth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used
And wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung
No wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame.

And still
I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather...

I had a dream my life would be
So different form this hell I'm living
so different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.

2009-03-21T14:20:00.001-04:00

My best friend is due home in less than an hour. I really look forward to his weekends home. They seem like the only time I ever really feel supported. The rest of the time, I have to be strong for Xander's sake, but when M. is home, I can relax a bit and let him take over. It helps me, but it makes me worry about the effect it has on him. He never complains, however. He's my rock. I don't know - and don't want to think about - what I'd do without him. It's not the financial support, although that is such a big help. It's the emotional support. He doesn't look down on me for being 'crazy'. He doesn't think any less of me for not being as strong as I think I should be.

Having said all that, I have to admit that being with him hurts me, too. Knowing that I'm not who he wants to spend the rest of his life with is very painful. I constantly wonder what's wrong with me that he doesn't love me the way that I love him. I often cry myself to sleep over it. It's a trade off, I suppose. Frankly, I have no idea what the future holds for us, and I'm just taking things one day at a time.

2009-03-18T23:00:00.000-04:00

I finally managed to drag myself into the shower yesterday (I can and often do go up to two weeks between showers because I am so exhausted), and Xander decided to rearrange some things in my bedroom to make things easier for me. Unfortunately, one of the things he changed was the location of my meds. That's one thing I have found about Bi-Polar. I need my routine. I need my meds in the same place every afternoon and evening. Otherwise, I forget to take them. Which is what happened last night.

Last night was Hell Night. I was alternately sweating and freezing, unable to sleep, and aching all over. I thought I was coming down with something until I discovered the pill organiser still had last night's pills in it. What are they pumping into me that makes me go into withdrawal so quickly? I've never liked taking medication, but I do it in order to survive. But last night really has me wondering just what I am putting into my body, and is it actually doing me good? Ok, I know that I need my anti-depressants. I cannot function without them. But the Lithium? The Geodon? Wellbutrin? I'm an atypical Bi-Polar. My mania isn't the bouncing-off-the-walls-doing-twenty-things-at-once type. I become snappish and grouchy. It's like bad PMS. The thing is, when I realise it's happening (and it's still happening, even with the Lithium. Make no mistake about it.), I can take a few deep breaths and remind myself that it's not Xander's fault. Everyone else gets it full bore, but not Xander.

Am I just fooling myself about going off my meds? Yes, probably. But I can dream.

2009-03-16T22:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been back on my anti-depressants for two weeks now. I am feeling a little more energetic. I am still damned depressed. This is a problem. This is the really dangerous time with meds. When you are so low that you can't get out of bed in the morning (or afternoon) without the aid of a crane, you may think about killing yourself, but you really don't have the energy to do it. Once the meds start to kick in, and the energy comes back, suicide is more likely to occur. It isn't that the medicine somehow made the person more depressed, as some tried to claim in lawsuits in the 90s, it's that the energy makes the act possible.

Am I suicidal? Yes. Will I commit suicide? Not yet. I'm safe from myself until at least June or July. After that, it will be a case of finding another reason to live until Xander gets home in August. My hope is that by June, I won't be suicidal any more.

I feel worthless. I want to work, but I can't. I'm living off M, and I know he says he doesn't mind, "that's what friends do", but it bothers me. My electricity bill is behind. My cab;e bill is behind, and those are the only damn bills I have. I need to apply for SSI and Section 8, but I never seem to get around to doing it. I need someone to help me with it. Which makes me feel like a kid. I'm a grown woman, a mother, and I should be able to do these things myself, but I can't. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I can't seem to take care of myself, but I make damn sure that I take care of Xander. He's my world. He's really all I've got.

Poor, poor, pitiful me. Blah blah blah. Is that all I can write about?

2009-03-02T21:45:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't kill myself. I've decided to wait until Xander has left for the summer, then do it. Hopefully, I will find something worth living for between now and June.

I finally got my new script for my antidepressants today. My therapist had to refuse to leave my doctor's office until he had made the call, since he had promised to do it on Friday and never did. Now I have to titrate my dosage so I get used to it again. A week at 10 mg, a week at 20 mg, and then the full 30 mg the next week should be okay.

I think I've givin up on my 'friends' online. Whenever I try to talk about how I've been feeling, all I get is silence. Absolutely nothing. It's like I never said anything to begin with. I wasn't attention seeking. All I wanted was to know that someone out there still cares. I guess I've learned the answer to that. I'm not going to make a theatrical goodbye the way others have in the past. I haven't been posting very often anyway, due to feeling so badly, so I doubt anyone will notice I've gone. It also leaves it open for me to return, when I feel better, if I should choose to. Right now, I don't see that happening.

Question is, do I leave the Facebook group they have created, or just ignore it? End my friendships with everyone on Facebook, or leave them be and just not reply? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I'm tired of having mine hurt.

2009-02-28T23:54:00.000-05:00

I've been off my antidepressants for two weeks. I want to die. I'd be happy to settle for cutting myself, but Mike, thinking he was doing me a favour, stole my razorblades. That was no favour. Instead of using a clean razor blade to cut myself with, I'm probably going to use a steak knife. It won't be a clean cut, and I will have to use more pressure with a knife, so the chance of cutting deeper than I meant to will be pretty bad. I suppose I could burn myself, but I've never done that before, and it feels like something worsening.

I've been cutting back on visiting my favourite forums lately. I doubt anyone has even noticed, to be honest. What's the point? No one has any interest in what I think or say. No one cares if i live or die. Except for Xander. And I'm scared I will end up blaming him for me not killing myself. I have so many different pills here, it would be so easy, so simple, to just take them all and go to bed. No more pain. No more hating myself from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep. I have never hated anyone in my life. I may dislike them. I may not want anything to do with them, but I don't even hate my ex-husband, and he raped me. Let other men rape me. I should hate him, but i don't. Terrified of him, yes. The only person I have ever hated is myself. Maybe because I'm the only person I know who deserves it. I'm fat. No one as fat as me has the right to live. I just take up space other people could use. I'm ugly. I'm so ugly. Someone as ugly as mer has no right to oxygene,. No one is ever going to love me, to want me, to think I'm pretty or attractive. i dont deserve love, anyway. why the fuck would someone want me? im no good.
i have to get away. i have to escapr. but no matter where i go, ill still be me. ugly, fat, disgusting, stupid me. xander needs to go live with his father. hell be better off with his father and stepmother they can give him what i cant.and with xander away i can die.

2009-02-04T15:52:00.000-05:00

What a horrible, horrible two weeks it's been. Convinced by a friend of mine to finally do a breast self examination, I found a lump. I veered between thinking 'what if it's cancer?' and 'it's just my imagination'. After talking to M. about it, I finally made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. She did a breast exam (she was not pleased with my piercings!) and sent me to have a mammogram done.

They tell you that mammos don't hurt. They lie.

The woman doing the mammo said she couldn't see anything where I found the lump, but did see something elsewhere. I was told that i would need to come back in for an untrasound, and to call on Wednesday (today) for the results of the mammo.

I left a message for my doctor this afternoon, and she called me back with the results. She said there wasn't anything to be concerned about on the mammo, but to see her after my period so she could do another exam.

The relief I felt was amazing. I felt hungry for the first time in three days. I had been terrified of the results. When the technician said she had spotted something, I thought I was going to be sick. It was a terrible feeling.

Now I know what my friend went through. Except she wasn't lucky like me. Her lump turned out to be cancerous.

2009-01-03T22:25:00.000-05:00

It's been a difficult month, during which I wasn't able to bring myself to post. Was it the holidays? Or was it the bad weather? It may have been my meds. I don't know. I do know that I am feeling a bit better now, and for that I am thankful. I suspect most of that was getting to spend so much time with Mike while he was home on vacation.

My boyfriend went for a few weeks without calling or talking to me on the internet, and it didn't bother me. I think it may be safe to consider that relationship over. I don't regret it, though. For the first time in years, I had a man look at me with desire, and it felt good. It left me feeling better about myself, although for the most part, I still hate myself.

I got to the point a couple weeks ago that I felt I absolutely had to make a change, and the easiest thing to change is hair, so I dyed my hair black. It's black with blue highlights. I love it. I'll go back to red eventually, but for now, I'm just enjoying my blue-black hair.

My p-doc added a new med to my cocktail. Wellbutrin. He said it should help boost the effects of my antidepressant, and give me some energy. I'm still waiting for the energy, but I have noticed that I am less depressed than I was, so I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.

2008-12-06T20:28:00.000-05:00

I need to get out of here. I need to get out of this flat and do something, anything. I don't have the money, and I've no place to go. I really feel like crap. If I had a razor blade, I'd be cutting myself now. Maybe I should go to the store and see if they have them. Xander's staying overnight with a friend, so he'd not see, and if I cut my stomach or thighs, the cuts wouldn't be visible. I can pick up some ice cream, too. Maybe I'll skip the razor blades and binge on ice cream. I don't know. I really don't know.

2008-12-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

I honestly don't know if I can hang on much longer. I'm not doing well, but have no way to get any help for it. Xander is doing everything he can to help me, and I'm scared to think how this is affecting him. He's the one doing the necessary chores here, not me. I barely have the energy to get out of bed. I have the lithium shakes, and I'm trembling so bad that I drop things now. I'm not sleeping, either. I fall asleep around five, and have to be up with Xander at 7:30. I nap during the day to make up for it, but it's not restful sleep. I'm afraid to try sleeping pills because I'm afraid I'd OD on them. I can't do that to Xander.

I have a documentary on my harddrive called 'Death of a School Friend', in which the former British politician Michael Portillo talks with the family and friends of a school friend of his, who commited suicide just before his sixteenth birthday. Hearing the boy's 80-something parents talk about how the pain is just as bad now as it was fifty years ago is heartbreaking, and I watch it to remind myself the the pain I'd leave behind might be greater than the pain I escape. It doesn't feel like it, though. It's as if the depression puts blinkers on you, so that all you can see is how much you are hurting, and how much better everyone would be without you.

I'm fighting so hard just to get through the day. I don't know how much longer I can fight. It's too much. I'm tired. I just want to give up and let it win.

2008-11-27T17:38:00.000-05:00

Well, that didn't work. Apparently, the HTML is broken, and I don't know how to fix it. Damn. It was a funny song about Thanksgiving by Tom Smith, whom I love. I guess y'all will have to go to www.thefump.com to check it out for yourselves.

2008-11-27T17:35:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving! Here's a treat (or a turkey) for you.

2008-11-14T14:00:00.000-05:00

Back again. I saw my new doctor today. He seemed quite nice, but I had trouble with the fact that I was in a small room with a man I didn't know, and didn't feel I could fully trust. I did get my prescription for Klonopin, so hopefully the shaking will stop. (My spell checker didn't recognise Klonopin, so I went to add it to the dictionary. One of the words it suggested in its' place was Klingon. I like that!)

Dad had surgery on Tuesday to remove more cancer. The surgeon told mom that the cancer has become more invasive, and will come back faster next time. Dad has been in a lot more pain this time, and had to take yesterday off. I really worry about mom and dad. They are neither of them well, and I hate to admit that they are now old. My parents shouldn't be old.

I spent more money at the drug store than I should have, trying to make myself feel better. I bought a salt crystal candle holder, which I've wanted for a while, but still. Bought more damn makeup, too. I have a three drawer organiser that's crammed full of makeup that I hardly ever use. I don't need more. I buy it just the same. I'm even worse when I'm manic. At least today I waited until the bills had been payed before buying crap. When I'm manic, it all goes so quickly, on things that I will never use. Usually on eBay. I wonder if I'm about to have another mixed episode. I hope not, because it really is hell. The worst parts of the mania and the depression, all rolled into one soul-destroying bundle o' fun.

I've been pretty depressed, and going through withdrawal doesn't help in the least. I haven't showered in two weeks, but I'm managing to take care of Xander. I'm putting everything into taking care of him, and I have nothing left over for anything else. I feel really drained.

A couple I am friends with want me to become a board member for their new business. I don't even know what the business is yet. I'm unsure what to do. I don't know anything about being a part of a company, and what will happen to me if everything goes pear shaped? Where will I stand? I wish I knew what to do.

2008-11-09T20:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been away for a few days. I ran out of one of my medications, and I've really felt like crap. Yesterday morning I woke at 2 am, and didn't get back to sleep. I realised around 4 pm that I'd forgotten to take my medication the night before. I had the shakes for about a week, but it seems to have improved almost to the point of going away. Not quite gone, but much easier to deal with.

I have an appointment with a new doctor on Friday, so I'm holding out until then for a new prescription. I got really fed up with my old practice. I saw my last doctor a whole six months before she left for another hospital. Between her leaving and my therapist going elsewhere, I decided the time had come to switch. It turns out that my therapist moved to the hospital I'll be going to, and she's the t-doc I'll be seeing. (T-doc, if you couldn't tell, means therapist. P-doc is psychiatrist.)

The only problem I have is that my new p-doc is a man. I was told he's very nice, but I have a bad history of anxiety attacks when in a room with a man I don't know.

My boyfriend called me Friday night. We had a nice conversation. I just wish he had been able to talk longer.

2008-11-05T15:44:00.000-05:00

I let Xander stay up to watch the election results come in last night. History was being made, and I wanted him to see it. Luckily, Obama was announced as the President-Elect around 11 pm, so he didn't lose too much sleep. We were both smiling when we went to bed!

I received an automated telephone call around 10:30 this morning to let me know that Xander's school was dismissing early today. The elementary and middle schools had no water. He may or may not go to school tomorrow. Guess which one he's hoping for!

The Witches' Ball went so good this year that my friends have decided to hold a Yule Ball in December. I've been asked to do the kids crafts again. I don't know if I want to. My boyfriend is talking about being here for it, and I want to spend time with him. My best friend won't be able to be there, unfortunately.

I've been having a panic attack since Monday, and I'm out of Klonopin. I'm holding out until I see my new doctor a week from Friday. I hope I can make it.

2008-11-03T22:22:00.000-05:00

There weren't 12 kids. There were four. They made enough mess to have been 12, though. A good time was had by all, I think, although my boyfriend seemed weirded out by the openly gay people, and one transgender woman, who were there. If he can't deal with people who are gay, I'll have to say goodbye to him. I have good friends who are gay, or bi. I knew them before I knew him. Hopefully, it won't come to that.

Saying goodbye to him yesterday was hard for me. He's hoping to come back in December, but we have to wait and see how things go. I really hope he can. I'm planning to go visit him next summer while Xander is in England with his father.

He's a really good kisser. I like that. My ex-husband wasn't, and I missed being kissed by someone who knew what they were doing. To be fair to my ex, I was the first girl he ever kissed, so he never got any practice before me.

I got to see my upstairs neighbours' new baby today for the first time. He's 2½ weeks old. He's beautiful, but it didn't make me wish I had one. I guess I'm getting used to the fact that I cannot have another child. Part of me will always be sad about that. I never intended Xander to be an only child. I'm too ill to go through the constant sleep deprivation of the new parent, and I don't want to go through it alone, either. Joe refused to get up with Xander at night because he had to work in the morning. It didn't matter that I worked in the evening. Being a parent is exhausting!

2008-11-01T18:40:00.000-04:00

My date last night went even better than I'd hoped. My boyfriend took me to Cheddar's for dinner. The food was perfect, the company was great, and afterwards was wonderful. I hope things work out for us. I really like him, and I think he feels the same.

I'm all dressed and ready for the Witches' Ball. I was told to expect at least 12 kids, but I hope there won't be more than that. I don't have enough craft supplies for more kids. I finished the tunic for my costume this morning. It's a bit of a botch job, but it looks ok. I'm going as Aphrodite, and I hope she'll forgive me for not doing as good a job as I could have.

Tonight is going to be a blast! As I will it, so mote it be!

2008-10-31T17:58:00.001-04:00

I have a date tonight.

I'll wait a moment to let that sink in.

Yes, that's right. I have a date. My boyfriend is driving in from Indiana as I write, and he is taking me out to dinner tonight. Xander is spending the night with Judy, and I have all evening to look forward to.

I'm happy.

2008-10-30T20:45:00.000-04:00

Today began badly. I was awakened at 8:21 by the doorbell. Unfortunately, the alarm was supposed to go off at 7:30. While the maintenance men installed the air conditioner that had been repaired, I called my best friend's mom to see if she could take Xander to school.

This afternoon was Xander's social skills group. Judy took us to that, and then we went to Aldi's so I could buy Rice Krispie treats for Xander's Halloween party tomorrow. How I let myself get talked into it I don't know. It left me with less than $3 to see us through until the 5th November. My ex hasn't sent the child support yet, either. I'm betting that he'll wait until Saturday. He does it on purpose.

I did have a good thing happen today. I received a parcel from a good friend in Canada. She sent me a bracelet and earrings she'd made for me, plus some wool roving she got at a ren faire. I really need to find where my spindles ended up. I haven't seen them since we moved, and I'm missing spinning. My favourite spindle is one my best friend made for me out of a wooden dowel and a bun foot from Lowe's. My next dream project is a PVC pipe spinning wheel. I can not afford a nice spinning wheel, so PVC it is.

2008-10-29T14:10:00.000-04:00

I got this from Mrs. B. at 'Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom' . The rules are thus:

Visit musicoutfitters.com

Enter the year that you graduated high school in the search box and get the list of the 100 top songs from that year.

Make the songs you really liked bold. Strike through the songs you really hated.

My year was 1989
_____
1. Look Away, Chicago
2. My Prerogative, Bobby Brown
3. Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Poison
4. Straight Up, Paula Abdul
5. Miss You Much, Janet Jackson
6. Cold Hearted, Paula Abdul
7. Wind Beneath My Wings, Bette Midler
8. Girl You Know Its True, Milli Vanilli
9. Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird, Will To Power
10. Giving You The Best That I Got, Anita Baker
11. Right Here Waiting, Richard Marx
12. Waiting For A Star To Fall, Boy Meets Girl
13. Lost In Your Eyes, Debbie Gibson
14. Don't Wanna Lose You, Gloria Estefan
15. Heaven, Warrant
16. Girl I'm Gonna Miss You, Milli Vanilli
17. The Look, Roxette
18. She Drives Me Crazy, Fine Young Cannibals
19. On Our Own, Bobby Brown
20. Two Hearts, Phil Collins
21. Blame It On The Rain, Milli Vanilli
22. Listen To Your Heart, Roxette
23. I'll Be There For You, Bon Jovi
24. If You Don't Know Me By Now, Simply Red
25. Like A Prayer, Madonna
26. ~~I'll Be Loving You (Forever), New Kids On The Block~~
27. How Can I Fall?, Breathe
28. Baby Don't Forget My Number, Milli Vanilli
29. Toy Solider, Martika
30. Forever Your Girl, Paula Abdul
31. ~~The Living Years, Mike + the Mechanics~~
32. Eternal Flame, The Bangles
33. Wild Thing, Tone Loc
34. When I See You Smile, Bad English
35. If I Could Turn Back Time, Cher
36. Buffalo Stance, Neneh Cherry
37. When I'm With You, Sheriff
38. Don't Rush Me, Taylor Dayne
39. Born To Be My Baby, Bon Jovi
40. Good Thing, Fine Young Cannibals
41. The Lover In Me, Sheena Easton
42. Bust A Move, Young M.C.
43. Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Great White
44. Batdance, Prince
45. Rock On, Michael Damian
46. Real Lov, Jody Watley
47. Love Shack, B-52's
48. Every Little Step, Bobby Brown
49. ~~Hangin' Tough, New Kids On The Block~~
50. My Heart Can't Tell You No, Rod Stewart
51. So Alive, Love and Rockets
52. ~~You Got It (The Right Stuff), New Kids On The Block~~
53. Armageddon It, Def Leppard
54. Satisfied, Richard Marx
55. Express Yourself, Madonna
56. I Like It, Dino
57. Soldier Of Love, Donny Osmond
58. Sowing The Seeds Of Love, Tears For Fears
59. Cherish, Madonna
60. When The Children Cry, White Lion
61. 18 And Life, Skid Row
62. I Don't Want Your Love, Duran Duran
63. Second Chances, .38 Special
64. The Way You Love Me, Karyn White
65. ~~Funky Cold Medina, Tone Loc~~
66. In Your Room, Bangles
67. Miss You Like Crazy, Natalie Cole
68. Love Song, Cure
69. Secret Rendesvous, Karyn White
70. Angel Eyes, Jeff Healey Band
71. Patience, Guns N' Roses
72. Walk On Water, Eddie Money
73. ~~Cover Girl, New Kids On The Block~~
74. Welcom To The Jungle, Guns N' Roses
75. Shower Me With Your Love, Surface
76. Stand, R.E.M.
77. Close My Eyes Forever, Lita Ford
78. All This Time, Tiffany
79. After All, Cher and Peter Cetera
80. Roni, Bobby Brown
81. Love In An Elevator, Aerosmith
82. Lay Your Hands On Me, Bon Jovi
83. This Promise, When In Rome
84. What I Am, Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians
85. I Remember Holding You, Boys Club
86. Paradise City, Guns N' Roses
87. I wanna Have Some Fun, Samantha Fox
88. She Wants To Dance With Me, Rick Astley
89. Dreamin', Vanessa Williams
90. It's No Crime, Babyface
91. Poison, Alice Cooper
92. This Time I Know It's For Real, Donna Summer
93. Smooth Criminal, Michael Jackson
94. Heavan Help Me, Deon Estus
95. Rock Wit'cha, Bobby Brown
96. Thinking Of You, Sa-fire
97. What You Don't Know, Expose
98. Surrender To Me, Ann Wilson and Robin Zander
99. The End Of The Innocence, Don Henley
100. Keep On Movin', Soul II Soul

2008-10-29T13:50:00.000-04:00

I've finished the dress I plan to wear for the Witches' Ball. It looks like crap. My machine was playing up, and wouldn't sew a straight line to save its' life. After we moved in here, almost two months ago, I discovered that the base ond bobbin case for my machine were gone. No explanation, just gone. In the drawer in the base were all my presser feet. So off I went to the local sewing machine repair shop. I got a new (used) bobbin case, but the presser foot was totally unlike the ones I'd had. Instead of just snapping into the bar, this one screwed onto it. It turns out that it isn't as tall as I needed, so it doesn't hold the fabric against the feed dogs. I can't figure out how to raise them, so that's of no help. That means the fabric skitters all over the place.

The Sears website (my machine is a Kenmore) has the correct presser feet. When I have the money, I'm ordering them. I paid too much for my machine to let it become unusable.

2008-10-28T22:11:00.000-04:00

The funeral wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was nice to see my family again, even though it was under those circumstances. I was shocked at how old some of my family members have become. I guess I forget that I'm not in my first blush of youth anymore, myself.

It's made me think about what kind of service I want when I go. I know that if I don't leave instructions, my family will have a Christian service, and I don't want that. It would be hypocritical. I haven't been Christian since i was 18 years old. My parents know this, yet they tell themselves (and others!) that Witchcraft was 'just a phase', and that I'm over it now. If it makes them feel better, I'll let them believe it, but I will have a Wiccan service, just like I will have a Handfasting if I ever remarry.

I ended up taking a nap after my son got home. I told Xander he could get on the computer while I slept. He's young enough that all he wants is to go on nick.com and play the games, plus the computer is in my bedroom, so I figured he'd be fine. I slept through the cat jumping up on my altar and knocking down a candle holder. Luckily, it didn't break.

I never got to talk to my boyfriend today. I hope we'll get the chance tomorrow, even if it's just via text.

Xander had a perfect day at school today, his second in a row. Tomorrow, as a treat, we're supposed to go to Books-A-Million. I might splurge and buy a rice krispie treat for us to share. The chocolate covered kind. Mmmmmm. Damn, I should have eaten something today.

2008-10-27T21:01:00.000-04:00

Ahh. My new blog. Where do I start? I'm Ori, single mom of a ten year old son, disabled and getting by as best I can. I crochet, spin and felt wool, and hang out on the computer a lot. I have a potential 'Significant Other' in my life, a best friend and various other friends.

I'm a Witch. A Hedgewitch, to be specific.

Today has been a fairly productive day. I like those. I sewed most of my costume for the Witches' Ball on Saturday, talked to my boyfriend and my BFF, and went with my son to his Kung Fu class. My BFF's mom took us, as I don't drive. I also got the kid's crafts organised for the Witches' Ball, as I am in charge of that part. I have colouring pages, rune making, pendulum making, and foamie crafts. I hope that's enough to keep the kids occupied for a while.

I have a funeral to attend tomorrow. My Great Aunt Daisy passed away two days ago at the age of 93. I don't like funerals. Back in '96, my Great Aunt Edna died, and they got her a musical, lighted casket. I wonder what Aunt Daisy will have.

Too many deaths. My dad has cancer, and I hope he won't be next. I don't know what I'd do without him. We share a birthday, and who would I celebrate with if dad weren't here. Even when I lived in England, we talked on the phone every birthday. I love both my parents, but I've always been closer to my dad for some reason.

Well, that should be enough for my first post. I wonder if anyone will bother to read this?